141311 Thoughts:
I have some random words floating in my mind.
Choices, and crazy spaces.
12:33 PM
I’ve just finished eating lunch, so I left my friends again to write, alone. I don’t really want to write, or do anything for that matter, but this is much better than zoning out or counting heart beats.
Fifteen minutes before lunch, we were given time to continue our preparations for our Literacy Month event on Monday. I didn’t want to work, and I’d rather go down and have lunch already (or not. I might just write or read since I was not feeling hungry), but since I was tasked to manage one of the groups, I had to work. I didn’t regret doing so, and I enjoyed working on the project, especially until hours after school with my hardworking friends.
When our teacher finally sent us off for lunch, I wasn’t hungry still, but I found myself running towards the line, getting utensils, then ordering something–sisig!–even though I had the urge to go somewhere else and not eat.
Thank God for sisig.
I talked to my friends as I ate. Then after finishing my meal, I went off to an empty table to write this.
(This is the someday.)
0040, summerchild.
This girl took my thoughts and turned them into words.
I was browsing through Tumblr yesterday when I saw her update.
“my thoughts can be a train wreck, filled with ‘what-if’ scenarios that are not likely to happen, but I still think they’d happen anyway.”
“I just…feel sad. And hopeless. And I end up sinking in my negative thoughts. ”
“and it is only by grace that I’m staying strong. That I’m still able to love, because He loved me first.”
“Ha. It’s actually tough admitting such things, showing my vulnerability and all. But I am human, too, being mended by the One who bends the universe in the palm of His mighty hand.”
“And it’s okay to not be okay.”
“I have weaknesses. I am not strong by myself. But Jesus is strong enough.”
“And I would refuse to talk to God, because I know I did something wrong. And I felt the need to ‘fix’ myself first. Still, He beckoned me to come closer, saying everything will be all right. That He already knew, but He will still stay, and He would change me. So I should just let Him.”
“It’s a process. I think it is.”
“The battle has already been won.”
This morning, I woke up at 1 and used my first hour for quiet time. It wasn’t the usual routine, and I used the time instead to drown, to let my thoughts and feelings overwhelm me and provoke me to be sad. I just… feel sad. Surprisingly, I liked the feeling. I was too tired to write, and I was not sure if I wanted to cry or sleep or think or laugh, but I knew then that it was sadness I was feeling, and it seems addictive.
They said happiness and sadness are merely choices, and at that moment, I wanted the latter.
I didn’t want to be happy. It feels
tiring.
Or at least I think it is.
IT’S OKAY TO NOT BE OKAY
I’ve heard this a couple of times already, but I’d forget and then worry again when I think I might not be okay. My thoughts would wreck me, making tiny cracks on my heart and soul. I do not even know when I’m okay or when I’m not okay.
Ah, I am crazy.
BY GRACE
…LOVED, BECAUSE HE LOVED ME FIRST
I do not know why I feel happy when I’m sad and alone. Maybe, I’m still confused with what happiness truly is just as how I’m confused with okay and not okay.
I am much more broken than I was years ago, which goes to prove that Christianity doesn’t make your life storm-free.
Only storm-proof.
There would be cracks, brokenness seen, evidences of weakness and vulnerability. And these are spaces, spaces for light to shine through, for His light to shine through.
By grace, I would not only strive,
I’d thrive with Him.
Another thing: being happy feels nice as well. I’ve just realized that as I watch the sunset with my friend just a few hours ago. The wind was cool and we were laughing (despite some fear in heart that I cannot explain). It was good.
God is good, all the time!
All the time, God is good!
(Probably doesn’t make much sense. I dozed off thrice while typing. Hahaha.)
gyurithegreat 